The Life And Times Of An Anorexic Clown
by spacemonkey69
Summary: Chandler doesn't like cheerleaders. Oneshot, please read and review.


(coughs) Yeah...I really don't know what this story is. It's pointless, it's silly, and it's offensive to both clowns and cheerleaders...maybe. But, shit happens, right? I felt like writing a pointless one shot comedy piece! I think I deserved it, after being weighed down with all the drama! So, this came around while I was on livejournal, and my girl leatharegee (thank you!) was saying how cheerleaders scared her. Her exact words were "Like anorexic clowns on crack". I giggled, and set about shoving that in something, somewhere! And I suceeded. So, here it is! I believe this would be set in start of Season Eight somewhere, because Chan and Mon are married, but...well, I didn't mention Rachel's pregnancy, so we'll just say it's in Crazyland, shall we? So please read and review, and as usual, I love you all!

I do not own friends/actors/characters/ but I do own...let me get back to you on that one.. 

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"Man, cheerleaders are hot!"

"Oh, well thank you, Joey, I'll take that as a compliment," Rachel said sweetly, fluffing up her hair.

"You like that, baby? Joey love, free of charge. For you." Joey winked at Rachel, causing Monica to roll her eyes and stand.

"I think I'm gonna go vomit now."

"Hey! What, you don't think the Joey love is good?" Joey exclaimed, standing up and following her into the kitchen. "Chandler, tell her!"

"Well, Joe, as much as I would like to tell Monica all about our sexual escapades, I'm pretty sure you told me that was best kept in our bedroom."

Rachel let out a short laugh, glancing at Chandler, who was sitting on the couch, still staring at the TV.

Joey paused, smirked at Monica, then walked back over to Chandler. "Dude…what are you doin'?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you want the girls to know about us?"

Joey paused again, smirked once more at Monica. "He's joking."

"Oh, I don't know, Joe. You remember Sophie, from work? She is sure you're gay," Monica teased.

"What? Is that why she won't go out with me?"

"Uh huh."

"And…" Joey let out a gasp, pointing at Monica. "She was saying things! Weird, weird things! _Weird_ things! Oh man, I gotta go talk to her."

Joey grabbed his coat and was out the door before anyone could say anything. "Do you think I should go explain to him that I was joking?" Monica asked after a moment. Chandler and Rachel both shook their heads.

"He started it," was Chandler's argument, eyes still trained on the TV. Rachel nodded, causing Monica to smile.

"Good point…I think I'll go anyway. Just to see Sophie's reaction. It's gonna be so good!"

"You're the devil, honey!" Chandler called out sarcastically as Monica grabbed her coat. Her smile grew wider.

"_I know!_"

"You know, she's a bit of a crazy person," Rachel commented once Monica had left the apartment. Chandler finally turned from the TV.

"Hey, that's my wife you're talking about!" Rachel merely looked at him for a moment, and he finally grinned. "Yep, you're totally right. Complete crazy person. Don't worry though, I was thinking of investing in some handcuffs, just in case she gets too crazy. Maybe some fluffy ones. Oh, and some bondage tape!"

"Oh my god, Chandler!"

"What? She wont let me have sex on the balcony, I've gotta have something!" Chandler insisted.

"Okay, when you say sex on the balcony, you know you can still do that."

"I can?"

"By yourself, of course."

"A ha. Very funny."

"What? Mon will never go for it!"

"Yeah, well I'm buttering her up, don't you worry."

Rachel merely shook her head, then turned back to the television, watching the cheerleaders that Joey had labelled as hot. "Oh, I wish I was still a cheerleader."

"Really?" Chandler made a face. "I never really liked cheerleaders."

"Excuse me? You _never _liked cheerleaders? And you wonder why people think you're gay?"

"Hey, that's not the reason people think I'm gay, alright! It's…other stuff." Chandler shrugged, making another face. "Leave me alone," he said childishly.

"How could you not like cheerleaders? We were so hot!"

"I dunno, they always came off as the biggest bitches."

"Yeah, but we were hot!"

"Rach, hotness isn't everything," Chandler countered. Rachel looked at him in bewilderment. "Okay, it is, but shut up!"

"Oh, I am so telling Joey and Ro-"

"No, no, no, no! You cannot tell them!"

"And why not?"

"Because I'll lose my street cred!"

"_What _street cred?" Rachel exclaimed.

"You know!"

"I was a cheerleader, Chandler, you don't like me?"

"I didn't know you when you were one."

"You saw me do a skit one time. When I was trying to seduce Joshua."

"Yeah, speaking of losing street cred." Chandler laughed, and Rachel smacked his arm. "Hey!"

"You totally deserved that!"

"I know, but still! Major ow!"

"You'll get over it." Chandler pouted, looking back at the TV while Rachel squirmed in her seat. "Okay, what do you have against cheerleaders?" she asked finally. Chandler let out a sigh.

"You're really not gonna get over this, are you?"

"Nope."

"Alright, fine. You win." Chandler took a deep breath, knowing he was about to open a Pandora's Box of Hell. "I always thought cheerleaders were like…anorexic clowns on crack. There, I said it!" He flinched, waiting for the beating to come.

Rachel looked at him, open mouthed, then made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat.

"Yeah, well, you were probably just mad that none of them wanted to sleep with you."

"Yeah, I'm sure that was it," Chandler said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I'm sure that was it," Rachel mocked.

"You're probably just upset because you need a fix."

"I'm not a cheerleader anymore, Chandler!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Well, you sure toss your Pom Poms around enough, if you know what I mean!"

"Oh yeah, well…well…" Rachel spluttered for a moment, then gave him the finger, Gellar style.

"Cut me deep, Rach, cut me deep."

They went back to watching the cheerleaders in tense silence.

"So…"Chandler started a few minutes later. "In all that time you were a cheerleader, you _really _were never with another woman?"

"Oh my god, _Chandler_!"


End file.
